Season 2, Episode 3: stop comparing yourself
Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.
This happened about 8 or 9 years ago. I was working at a typical “street style” shop in New England. This was the kind of tattoo studio where we catered to walk in clientele, rather than booking way out in advance. I only worked at this particular shop for a couple of years, as it was definitely a bit of a rough environment but let me tell you - it was one hell of a learning experience and it really taught me to think on my feet both as an artist and just simply as a service industry professional. We literally encountered everyone from every walk of life at this shop - from heroin addicts with track marks on their arms to strippers who had the propensity to simply walk around half naked in front of our big Main Street facing windows to your wholesome middle aged moms. It was wild.
On one particular day, a coworker in the studio asked if I and two of the other artists working there would be willing to tattoo a woman she knew from her yoga studio, along with her kids and father. My coworker was going to be out of town for a yoga related event, and wasn’t available, but she really wanted to accommodate this woman. We were told these folks wanted to come in for a memorial tattoo for the woman’s husband, who had just passed unexpectedly. Sure, no problem - this is a common request at a tattoo shop. Often, for memorial tattoos, a whole family will come together to get matching pieces, so it takes a bit of coordination and pre-planning with the shop artists to accommodate everyone at the same time. It can be a really moving experience as well, to be part of a mourning ritual with a family in this way. So of course, I said yes, along with my two other coworkers at the studio.
On the day of the appointment, the family shows up - it was the wife, her dad, and her two kids, one of whom was underage. And the vibe was NOT AT ALL what I had expected. First off, the family was not what you would expect for folks in mourning. Usually people are subdued, emotional, sometimes someone cries - it’s generally a mellow experience and we try to keep it chill as the artists for clients getting these kinds of tattoos out of respect. But no, this family was…I don’t know how to say it other than - they were almost downright hostile. Just right off the bat, from the moment they walked in the door. First off, the dad - a guy probably in his mid-60s - asks my coworker in an aggressive tone - “hey, so how often do you actually come to work sober?” Umm…what? All of my coworkers in this space were very professional - we never came to work under any sort of influence other than the occasional strong iced coffee from Dunkin’s across the street. Then, when we had to explain that it was illegal in our city to tattoo the underaged daughter, the mother started yelling at us - and we were all just…I don’t know…taken aback. We legally weren’t permitted to tattoo anyone under the age of 18, even with parental consent, and we explained that she could go to Connecticut instead for that, which was only about a 30 min drive away. But that didn’t appease her, and she continued to yell.
Talk about a crazy start to a session. We were already shocked, but then…even more started to come out about the whole situation and story. Looking at this family, you would never guess that all of this was the background. They were very wealthy, well to do folks. The dad of the widow was a surgeon. The widow was a wealthy stay at home mom, and yoga enthusiast. Everyone looked great, healthy, had all the appearances of wealth and privilege. But the way they spoke - not only to us, but to each other - was truly ugly, just so cruel and rude. It was some of the worst language I’d ever heard exchanged between family members. What was most intense though was the story behind the death of the woman’s husband though…the reason for the memorial tattoos in the first place.
As it turned out, the woman - the mom in this family - had been having an affair with another man. And when the husband found out (apparently he had caught them together), he shot the other man, wounding him, and then killed himself by shooting himself in the head. And just a couple of weeks after this all happens, the mom shows up with her kids and her surgeon dad (who we started calling Dr. Grandpa because he literally wouldn’t stop telling us about how he was a surgeon), in our tattoo studio, making this crazy scene, yelling at us, on a Saturday afternoon. It was so bad that one of my coworkers - literally the biggest dude in the studio, a leather vest wearing biker - walked out saying, I just can’t handle this. I got the dubious honor of tattooing Dr. Grandpa that day, who proceeded to hit on me while I was tattooing him in a not exactly subtle manner. In short, the day was a nightmare.
Now look - this is not a gossip podcast, and I’ve changed a few details to keep this somewhat anonymous, and I’m not naming names. But there’s a point to this. And that’s the topic for today’s episode. You literally can’t tell by looking at people what they actually are like. And frequently, you can look at someone outwardly - at their appearance, their big bank balance, their fancy job - and think, wow, they’ve really got it together. Then you compare yourself, and maybe think negatively about yourself - oh, they’re up here, and I’m down here, and I’m just a mess. Anyone ever do that? I know I have in the past - we all do.
But here’s the secret - a lot of people are just really good at putting on a show. You can have all the trappings of wealth and accomplishments, and still be a mess on a personal level - just like this family clearly was. If there’s anything I’ve learned through 16 years of tattooing, it’s that everyone has baggage. It’s that everyone has issues. And it’s that you simply can’t assume anything about anyone. Sometimes, it’s the people who appear to be the biggest messes outwardly that actually are the most together on a psychological level. You just can’t tell.
And - you just can’t compare yourself to other people based on these outward aspects. Comparison truly is a source of stress. It’s a way to beat ourselves up and hold ourselves back. If we really want to move forward in our own lives, it’s best that we remove these points of comparison and do what I’ve said in prior episodes - we need to run our own race. We progress at the pace that’s right for us, in our own ways. And while it’s ok to look at other’s successes as a potential model for our paths, we can’t put folks on a pedestal and feel bad about ourselves if we feel like we aren’t measuring up. Nope. So what can we do instead?
One - connect with people close to us, who feel safe, and be honest about where we are in our own personal journeys. I talk regularly to a dear friend of mine with whom I have a ton in common. We got married around the same time. Divorced around the same time for similar reasons. Now we’re both in good, solid relationships. I know though - for me - going through a bad divorce, I ended up with some issues, especially around trust. I have a tendency to get paranoid from time to time, wondering if the other proverbial shoe is about to drop even though I have zero evidence of this. And my friend is the same way. By talking openly about these experiences, we’re able to relate - and reassure each other. We don’t feel crazy because we know we’re not alone. Too often, most of us try to put on a show that we’re ok even if we’re not. And sure, at work, you need to. But around close trusted friends? Be honest. Ask for help if you need it. Chances are, someone close to you is likely going to be able to relate. You’re likely going to hear a ME TOO when you feel like you’re most a mess. You’re going to realize you’re not unique in your struggles. That - truly - is priceless. We all have baggage and issues, and I believe we need to be more open and honest about what we go through with those closest to us.
Two - stop judging yourself if you feel like you’re not living up to comparisons to others. How do we judge ourselves? Take a listen to your inner dialog sometime. Is it empowering? Or is it…ugly? Take note of what you say to yourself. Write it down. Then ask yourself - if a close friend of mine or a relative was going through what I’ve gone through, would I say this to their face? If the answer is no, that would hurt their feelings, then why in the world would you say this to yourself? Think about that. So often, our inner dialog can be so ugly, even abusive. We all need to learn to be kinder to ourselves, if you ask me. While yes, we can challenge ourselves to achieve, we shouldn’t talk down to ourselves by not living up to some arbitrary standard of comparison to others.
Three - instead of comparing yourself to other people in terms of what they have that you don’t, take a look at yourself and how far you’ve come in your own life. What progress have you made? Celebrate that. I know, for me, financial stuff is my achilles heel. I can get down on myself because I think that I don’t have enough money saved for retirement for example, especially in comparison to other people. But then I have to take a look at my circumstances. I’ve switched careers - more than once. I went through an ugly divorce that incurred a lot of legal debt and from which I emerged with a ton of credit debt I had to pay off. I’ve opened not one but two businesses in the past 8 years. When I look at those circumstances, I can see that I’ve actually done a lot for myself, and then people I’ve compared my bank balance to may not have had the same kinds of circumstances. It’s all individual - your journey. Celebrate how far you’ve come, and stop comparing yourself to others who you think have gone further than you.
There’s nothing much more toxic and damaging than trying to live up to our perception of other people. Run your own race. Be you. Celebrate your journey and do it your way. Almost everyone has some secret trauma lurking below the surface. You’re not alone. I believe in you - you are beyond capable of living to your potential without being burdened by the weight of self-imposed expectations.