Season 2, Episode 2: we all need to get it out
Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.
Everyone thinks that the biggest part of being a tattoo artist is creating art. And sure, while that’s a huge part of what we do, honestly…the biggest thing? It’s listening to clients. From listening to their ideas and helping them figure out what they want to get tattooed on them, to hearing their stories and thoughts while they’re in the tattoo chair…it’s all about holding space for clients. Anyone in a service industry like mine knows this. You give the client a good experience? You listen well and respond appropriately? Those clients will come back. Plus, I truly value listening to my clients. I encounter folks I never would otherwise, and get to hear about so many different walks of life through my job. It’s truly eye opening and inspirational most of the time.
However, being a bit of a professional listener can also be emotionally exhausting. During my apprentice days many years ago, I remember my own mentor warning me about how draining this can be psychologically speaking. He told me, there are a lot of lonely people in the world, and sometimes, when you tattoo someone, you’re the first person that may have touched that client with any degree of care in years. That - to me at the time - was shocking, but now that I have more than 16 years of my own stories, I know how wise my mentor was with his words, and how absolutely correct he was. I’ve experienced this phenomenon time and time again. He not only cautioned me, but he encouraged me to develop healthy boundaries with my clients, and to do my best to NOT take it all home with me when I left the studio.
Here’s something I’ve learned through the experience of tattooing and professionally listening. We all need someone to hear us and validate our experiences. This is universal. But more importantly, when hard things happen to us, we need to get it out in some way, shape or form. We need to process it. We need to vent. And if we don’t have a healthy outlet, the repercussions of this bad thing that’s happened to us is going to come out in usually a very unhealthy way. Anxiety, depression, self harm, addiction - these are all by-products that can be caused from internalizing trauma that we’ve avoided looking at, processing, or even admitting that has happened to us.
Lines can really get blurred when you’re a tattoo artist. Your clients should feel comfortable with you, as they’re in a vulnerable position with you’re working with them. Putting a permanent marking on someone’s body and effectively transforming their outward appearance for the rest of their life is kind of a big deal. You want your client to trust you, and you want them to feel at ease in the chair. However, when you treat a client with professional care, sometimes that gets interpreted as friendship right off the bat. And while I’m not opposed to being friends with clients, for me, friendship takes years to develop. Clients do end up feeling like they know you, for sure, even if you’re like me and you don’t share anything terribly personal (I stick to general topics of conversation, mainly focused on my cat who happens to be one of the great loves of my life). And this is where things get challenging as a professional listener/artist.
A few years ago, I participated in an international event that helped to raise money for rape crisis centers around the world. Artists would provide designs for a special day of tattooing, and then donate 100% of the proceeds to a local center. I did this for three years at my own shop. Given the sensitive nature of the cause, I had plenty of expectations that clients might have stories that they would share during their time in my chair. But I was completely unprepared for one particular client. Please note that details have been to protect my clients identity.
She was a lovely woman that I had tattooed her several times before. It was the end of the day, and no one else was around besides her and myself at that point. And as I was tattooing her, she suddenly broke down into racking sobs. I had to stop what I was doing, grab kleenex, and immediately offer comfort. She started to calm down after a bit, and then confided in me an incident of trauma from her own past. I obviously am not going into details here, but will only say that it was terrible stuff, and my heart positively ached for her. I gave her a hug, and then she said this:
“You’re the only person I’ve ever told.”
What? She had a ton of family, I knew she was close with her family. And still, she’d never told anyone? Ever? Given the amount of recovery work I’ve done myself, I knew the only reason she likely told me is that I’m - 1 a safe person, and 2 I’m relatively anonymous. What are the stakes of telling me in the tattoo confessional chair? Again, I’m telling this story anonymously even now and changing a few details, plus leaving out a bunch of information. But yeah, it was a heavy burden that she had carried literally for decades. Who knows how the pain came out in her daily life? But in my chair, she let it all go.
How many of us have stories like this? Traumas we’d prefer to keep burying? We all do, to greater and lesser degrees. What happens if we don’t get it out? It will come out at some point, I guarantee you, speaking from my experience as a professional listener once again, and likely when it does come out, it’s not going to be in a good way. If we don’t deal with a deep emotional wound, it’s going to fester and make us sick, just as any physical wound will. So, speaking as someone who’s definitely NOT a psychologist, but as someone who listens a LOT, here are some suggestions to try.
One - when it comes to what you’ve experienced, research and get perspective. Is what you’ve experienced, this thing you can’t let go of, something in the realm of “normal” (and I put that in quotes) or is this something that’s beyond the beyond? So often, especially with dysfunctional family dynamics, things that are abusive can become normalized, simply because it’s what’s familiar to you. If you’re experiencing something that feels off, well, chances are it IS off. Maybe chat with a friend. Ask them for their experience with this situation or some advice. You can speak generally, or maybe anonymously. Maybe get a book on the subject. Check out some online forums for folks going through the same thing. Get educated and figure out where things are on some kind of spectrum.
Two - process your emotions with others. Find a trusted person to talk to and set aside a designated time where it’s agreed upon by all that you can open up. We all need to let it out, we really do. But we need to do this in a safe and appropriate moment. I think back to that client of mine. What if she had been with a different artist who had been less sensitive in that moment? How damaging would that have been for her? For me, I didn’t try to fix the situation, I just listened and offered simple comfort. But not everyone is capable of doing this in your social circle…so many people jump in right away with advice and fixes instead of just letting you talk. You need people who can hold space for you, not tell you what to do.
One thing to avoid here - a very common pitfall - is endless trauma dumping on others. I believe in having an agreement with a close friend or relative - an “I can talk to you and you’ll listen and not try to fix it” kind of thing. I don’t believe in venting to random people you don’t know (you don’t know if they’re safe), and I don’t believe in venting the same stuff to the same friends over and over again like a broken record if you’re not taking the time to try to help yourself. That is exhausting for the person on the receiving end, let me tell you - that often is how I feel at the end of the day when I’ve had a client - that I don’t know well personally - spend 3-4 hours complaining in the chair about everything that’s going wrong in their lives. So, you need to find a trusted person and set aside a time.
If you don’t have a trusted person, or if this issue is so deep, so hard, so painful…I’m telling you, get a therapist. I will admit, I’ve had some clients in the past that I’ve nearly told I’m not taking their money anymore. They don’t need tattoos from me, they need professional help. Again, I’m not a psychologist, and I am definitely not trained to help - I’m trained to tattoo you. There’s no substitute for REAL psychotherapy, and there should be ZERO shame in reaching out for that. I’ll tell you what though, it’s hard to find a good therapist, and it can be expensive and time intensive to find the right one. But you’ve gotta put in that effort and I promise you, once you find the right fit for you, it’s more than worth it!
Three - find healthy ways of venting your emotions externally. This can look so different for anyone. Some people like to journal quietly. Some like to meditate. For me, until a few years ago, I found silence to be triggering, so I used other methods. I’ll fully admit distance running and ultrarunning became my therapy to clear my head and to get it all out on my own. Nothing like a good 30-35 mile run to let it all out! These days? I admit, I’m a meditator now, but if it’s tough emotion that’s got me angry? I go out into my home gym and I do what I call “rage lifting,” meaning I do a seriously heavy weight session. Man, it helps! I’m a physical person, so I like physical activities, so what works for you may be completely different. Maybe you clean the house. Maybe you cook. Maybe you make yourself a nice cup of tea. Maybe you close all the windows and scream. Whatever it is, find what works for you and DO it when you’re feeling all the feels. Have strategies in place so that when things do happen - because, guess what, it’s life - things WILL happen. And when they do, you’ll be prepared.
I hope these strategies help you. Life is too damn short to hold all of your pain close to your chest. Get it out, find the right way. It can hurt to do so, but in the end, processing your emotional pain is absolutely needed to move on. Don’t let yourself be held back by your past.