episode 87: on grief

Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.

As happens from time to time, I originally had an entirely different topic picked for this week and due to circumstances in my own life, I decided today as I was drafting this episode to go in an entirely different topic.  A few days ago, I had to put my beloved kitty to sleep - it was pretty expected and he had been sick for a good year and a half, plus he was REALLY old.  No matter how many times I’ve had to say goodbye to a beloved pet, it never really gets easier.  I think if you’re an animal person like me that you totally get this….it’s kind of the one awful thing about pet ownership, eventually having to make that call when it’s…time.

Anyhow, the whole thing got me thinking, and I realized I’ve never actually done an episode on grief as part of this podcast.  So that’s what today is all about - how we deal with grief and how we should deal with others who are going through grief.

Here’s the thing - when it comes to life, there’s literally one way out.  And it’s funny to me, the one thing that’s completely inevitable about living is the one thing we tend to avoid thinking about.  It’s the one thing that terrifies us.  It’s the one thing we don’t understand…I mean, who knows what happens on the other side of death, right?  I’m not about to speculate myself, I’ve always just reasoned that I’ll figure it out when I get there and not worry about things I can’t do anything about.  Another thing about life - that’s inevitable if we live long enough - is that people…or pets…that we love dearly will pass on before we do.  That’s a universal thing.

And what happens when someone that we love dies?  We grieve.  That too is a universal.  But here’s the thing…while grief is a universal and unavoidable emotion, the ways in which we all actually DO it are completely different.  The ways in which we grieve are highly individual, and often, it’ll be different in every situation in which we encounter tragedy, so the way you grieve one thing might not be the same the next time.

I’ve had grief responses that have ranged from crying jags of eight hours on my bathroom floor - that was during my divorce from my first husband - to no tears at all for years - that was when my mother died.  Seriously, after she passed, it took me two full years to finally feel something, and when the grief hit me, oh my god, it was a tidal wave.  In other situations, my own grief over loss has been a quiet thing…I may not want to talk much, or need to talk much (that’s kind of my current situation, as I’m mourning the loss of my best buddy here).

What is important though, when we grieve, is simply to allow ourselves to express grief in whatever way works for us in that moment.  What is important is not to judge ourselves.  What is important is to give ourselves grace - for example, we shouldn’t be telling ourselves things like, oh stop crying, you should be over this by now.  Grief is a process, and it’s one that’s certainly NOT linear in any respect.  I’ve always compared it to waves in the ocean - sometimes the waves are relatively calm and wash over you unnoticed, but at other times, the giant waves simply knock you over.

Whatever you do, whatever has happened, give yourself space to experience your grief in your own individual way.  Don’t try to stop it - because if you do, it’s only going to come back stronger.  It’s one of those things you just have to go through, and trust that eventually you’ll come out on the other side of it.  And on a journey of grief, often it gets much worse before it gets better.  But it will get better…in time.  And there’s just no substitute for the passing of time.  We have to sit with those uncomfortable - and hard, sad, at time torturous feelings..until enough time passes that the waves ebb a bit and we find some relief.  Even then, though, years may pass, and another wave might hit you - oh, there you are again, grief.  I know you.  I acknowledge you.  This is ALL natural.

One of the hardest things about going through a grief process can be the people around you that try to support you.  While I feel like most people who care about you have the best of intentions, how they express their support for you might not be ideal for what YOU need.  And that’s where things can get really hard.  For example, my big pet peeve is when folks tell me - during a hard time - that “everything happens for a reason” (and yes, I do have an old episode about this, I’ll link it in the show notes).  Oh my god, that can cut like a knife when you’re experiencing a loss - like, you mean to tell me some universal force meant for this person or this thing to be taken away from me intentionally so that I can suffer?  Really.

So if you are grieving, don’t be afraid to ask for space if that’s what you need.  Don’t be afraid to withdraw for a while.  Don’t be afraid to not respond to everyone who says very well intentioned things, especially if you’re not in that headspace yet.  It’s OK to go into your own safe place for a bit, to feel all the feels, to cry all the tears, to not speak, or to punch a wall.  Whatever works for you works for you.  For me, when I’m in a state of grief, I generally need a LOT of space and quiet…and then I have two things I do.  Work a lot, and work out a lot.  (I killed my leg day this morning, for example.). Other people might not understand what you’re doing, but be strong in yourself and know that what you’re doing is what works for you.  And that’s OK.

Now, moving on…if you’re looking at a friend or loved one who’s experiencing life shattering grief, what CAN you do?  This is the hard thing.  Now look, I’m not a psychologist, and I’m not a grief specialist, but if you ask me, the number one thing you should do is simply hold space for others to do or say or act however they need.  In short, just shut up.  Don’t relate your stories about your own experiences unless the person grieving wants to hear about it.  Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.  Don’t state those awful adages like “everything happens for a reason,” dear god, don’t do that.  What means the most to someone who’s grieving?  Simply ask them what they need, and then respect - and DO - that.  Remind yourself, in supporting someone else in grief - that this moment isn’t about you.  At all.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for so many people to simply “hold space” in this way…maybe it’s because watching someone else go through something reminds us that it could happen to us, so if we fix them, it’s like we get an insurance policy that this terrible thing will never happen in our lives.  I don’t know, that’s my theory.  But if there’s anything any of us need to practice in our daily lives, it’s simply learning to listen more than we speak, and allow space for others to do what they need.  I’m still working on this too…we all are.

In closing, if you’re going through a hard time and you’re grieving a loss, or if you’re trying to be there for someone else going through a loss, remember that this moment - while unavoidable - it won’t last forever.  It may come and go, like the waves, but eventually it too will pass and fade into memory.