episode 73: it’s never what it seems
OK, so how many of you have things about this holiday - or about the upcoming Christmas holiday - that you just dread? Hand going up? You are not alone. Let me tell you a secret - every single person I know, every single person I’ve ever talked to that’s sat in my chair at my business, and pretty much every single person I’ve ever interacted with has had something to say about how they wish things were different at the holidays.
I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family, and personally, I dreaded holidays until very recent years because 1 I either had to spend time with them, mired in conflict (that was until my early 30s) or 2 I languished away wishing I didn’t have a dysfunctional blood family, wanting something that was never going to be mine. And this was definitely a cycle. My own mom, who passed several years ago, did everything in her power to make holidays perfect at our house when I was young…we’re talking themed Christmas trees in every room, perfect dinner ware and coordinated meals for each holiday, the perfectly themed music on repeat…but none of that perfection ever masked the dysfunction that really was happening in the foreground. Never did. Some of my earliest memories are of one of my uncles making my mom cry at family holidays, making fun of what she did for a living and of her political beliefs. As an adult, I definitely overcompensated too, trying to make everything perfect, and then getting super depressed when things weren’t.
The thing I realized after many years and a whole lot of distance is that even in the most picture perfect family situations, there’s something going on in the background. Maybe some old conflict. Maybe someone passed and there’s grief lurking. Who knows, but in pretty much every single case, there’s someone around wishing things were different. This isn’t meant to invalidate cases of extreme dysfunction, but it’s rather to provide a perspective that even in the most functional family systems, there’s always SOMETHING going on behind closed doors. And those things don’t get captured in the happy family photos we see online. Not at all. Never.
So what should we do? Well, here’s the direct - and hopefully kind - part of today’s holiday message. By focusing on what isn’t, we miss out on what is. Say that again. If we focus all our energy on what’s not there, what we miss, what we wish we had - we miss out on the present moment on what we do have, what’s right in front of us, and the gift of today. So, today, rather than focus on some Pollyanna definition of gratitude, let’s just get some perspective. Let’s shift the focus from dysfunction to what’s in our control. Let’s look for what’s in front of us. Let’s look for our ability to make choices in topics of discussion, our ability to choose who we spend time with, our ability to reframe our thoughts, our ability to move forward, and our ability to take care of ourselves first and foremost.
Whether you’re surrounded by family and friends during the holidays or not, there is always something out there to find that you CAN enjoy. If you’re alone, maybe you enjoy the absence of conflict. And if you’re in a family situation where there is some conflict, well, maybe you enjoy the moments between where you’re with people you love. Keep it in perspective, and don’t let yourself get consumed by the thoughts of “things should be this way.” Things, well…they just are.