episode 72: the subtle art of self-sabotage revamped - part 3 of 3

Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.

We took a little bit of a detour last week, but this week we’re back with the third episode in a series of three exploring the topic of self sabotage.  In prior episodes - I’ll go ahead and link those in the episode description - we looked out how our thoughts and our words can lead to self-sabotage in many instances, often completely subconsciously.  This week, we’re going to be examining how our physical actions can do the same thing.

I’ve had it said to me, from more than one person - what you spend your time on says what’s important to you.  And yes, that’s true, for sure, in many ways.  I’m someone who does indeed believe that if we really want something to happen, we’ll carve out the time for it.  However, that said, I think there’s more to this phrase.  Often our actions - how we’re physically spending our time - not only signify what we value, but even more so highlight our inner landscape.  Translated: We may not actually always spend time on the things that mean the most to us.  Now, we may give ourselves excuses as to WHY this is.  We may tell ourselves, there’s never time for that.

And believe me, I understand this completely - guilty as charged.

I’m here to say - sometimes, deep down, subconsciously, we don’t believe we’re worthy of spending time on a certain thing or taking a certain action, so we find ways to sabotage ourselves by focusing on OTHER actions.  For example, I’m someone who very much believes in self care in general.  I think it’s great to carve time out for yourself, and I’m always telling friends, take action, create some non-negotiable time for yourself in your calendar.  It’s good for your mental health.  BUT - do I do this for myself?  Ummm…not so much.  I really don’t.  I tell myself, well, I own a business.  I’m pursuing a bunch of other activities, like flight training and ultra running, and that’s how I make time for myself.  You know something, stressing your body out by running 100s of miles really isn’t self-care.  If I’m honest with myself, as much as I love it, it’s yet another way to make myself busy.  And that right there is my MO.  Because of my own past and family background, I suffer from a huge amount of guilt if I’m not being what I think of as “productive.”.  I make myself busy from before dawn until I pass out in the evening, rarely ever sitting for more than a few minutes at a stretch.  I honestly schedule out every single day in 30 minute increments.  And while this makes me “productive,” 1 it’s not mentally healthy and 2 it doesn’t make me the greatest friend or spouse.  I’ll admit it, hey, I get real here on this podcast.  I avoid the thing I preach - that’s my self-sabotaging action.  What’s the result?  I’m exhausted a lot of the time, and not present for the people I value the most nearly enough.

I’m one extreme.  I’m an over-committer.  I use my commitments to subconsciously avoid doing the things I value the most out of a deep seated sense of guilt and lack of self-worth.  I have a core belief that if I’m not achieving, I’m not worth anything.  That’s something I’m working very hard on.  Maybe you’re like this too.  I don’t think it’s terribly uncommon.

Now, on the flip side, there’s another type of avoidant self-sabotaging behavior, and that’s the idleness paradigm.  People that fall into this camp often have the same type of lack of self worth, and so instead of taking action toward things that would benefit them, be good for them, or help them grow…they sit on the couch.  They watch Netflix.  They get caught in a scroll hole for hours on social media and then wonder where the whole day went.  But they still tell themselves, oh man, I just don’t have the time to do this or that.

It’s the same core belief, but the opposite action.  And both of those actions are self-sabotaging.  They keep us from living to our potential, and they keep us stuck, in a state of perpetual inertia, either constantly moving or never even able to get started.  Both actions lead back to self worth - I mean, if you really value YOURSELF, you’re going to take action in a healthy way, not avoiding the actions that are needed to get to point B.

So, if you’re feeling stuck - ask yourself - am I putting unnecessary obstacles in my way, maybe through overcommitting or idleness?  Am I setting up a laundry list of tasks so I can avoid taking charge?  Or am I languishing away, never getting started?  What camp do you fall into?

I believe most of us exist on a spectrum in this way.  And you know, we all have scars and traumas to differing degrees, but they’re all real and valid to US.  Those scars and traumas affect our own sense of self worth - and I’ve got a great episode on that you should check out if you haven’t yet, I’ll link it in the episode description.  I honestly believe that most things come back to that - developing self worth.  But for the remainder of this episode, let’s take a look at some ways we can get unstuck in how we take action toward goals or progress.

First - identify where you fall on the bell curve.  Are you someone who overcommits or simply doesn’t start?  Ask yourself - where does this behavior come from?  In my case, I learned my overcommitting behavior from my mom (rest in peace).  My mom was a childhood trauma survivor, and wasn’t exactly in the best marriage - she went through a lot in her life and definitely was a conflicted person.  I knew her well, and I knew she never really did any of the things in her life that she really wanted to do.  She told herself it was impossible, she didn’t have the time, because she was always so busy.  And yeah, she was - she was a working mom, had a high end professional job, but literally she never ever stopped for a moment to rest.  She cleaned constantly, the house always had to be perfect.  Everything in her life had to be coordinated, planned, controlled to the nth degree.  There were so many tasks that I think she created tasks to create more tasks, to fulfill the tasks that hadn’t been scheduled yet.  I just took this as “well, that’s how adult life is.”  But now that I’m of an age where I’ve had a lot of distance from that household, it doesn’t have to be that way.  And it’s kind of scary to see myself repeating some of the same behaviors but in different contexts, mainly related to me working all of the time.  Do you have a person in your childhood or life that modeled your actions in this way?  Where did your actions or behaviors stem from?  Ask yourself and journal about it.

Second - learn to give a definitive yes or no.  And make it a non-negotiable.  As an overcommitter, I need to learn NO.  Drawing boundaries, setting limits on my time, not saying yes to every single favor or invitation - that’s something I need to do to carve time out in my calendar for myself.  It’s hard because I tend to feel super guilty doing this!  Now, if you’re on the other side of the spectrum, you may need to create some non-negotiable YES opportunities.  Do you want to take this class?  Yes.  Do you want to attend this seminar?  Yes.  And then back it up with the action to shake yourself out of your inertia.

Third - while it might sound easy to make a yes or a no non-negotiable, it’s not.  So, get yourself some accountability.  If you’re dealing with some deep-seated self-sabotaging behaviors that you can’t seem to stop repeating, ok, a therapist is in order.  For others on different points of the spectrum, well, maybe your accountability person is a good friend.  I have an agreement with one of my friends at my tattoo studio to intervene if she sees me taking in any charity cases - meaning, I have a tendency to take any young tattoo artist under my wing to help them, even if it’s to the detriment of my own sanity.  And why?  It’s kind of a guilt thing, and kind of an avoidance thing of the scariness of focusing on myself and putting myself out there first and foremost.  And let me tell you - my friend is a great accountability buddy - she really does speak up and calls me out when she sees me repeating behaviors.  It’s so hard to hear - oh, you’ll hate hearing someone call you out, and it’s so easy to get defensive - but this will lead you to so much growth just to have someone else aware and kind enough to help you, even if it hurts at the time.  I highly recommend getting yourself a good accountability buddy - be it for personal actions, or at work, or at school, or in pursuit of any type of goal.

This stuff is hard, I’ll admit that.  I mean, part of the reason I do this podcast is not only to offer you all help, but to help myself - and having listeners I engage with every week, definitely keeps me accountable.  I hope these techniques help you.  And I hope this series helped!  We all self sabotage in different subtle ways, it’s simply part of the human experience.  But by being aware of our subsconscious thoughts, words, and actions, we can turn it all around.