episode 70: the subtle art of self-sabotage revamped - part 2 of 3

Listen to the episode here. Transcript below:

So, this is episode 70 of The Resilience Key, and I’m back from a three week break.  Just a little reminder that yes, everyone does need a break from time to time, and it’s perfectly OK to take some time off!  I’m sure I’ll be exploring that topic in a future episode.  But for this week, we’re going to pick up with the second episode in a series of three on self-sabotage.  In episode 69, we explored how self sabotage begins simply with our thinking patterns.  And in today’s episode, along with next week’s, we’ll be looking at some more outward manifestations of self sabotaging - seeing how our thoughts affect both what we say and what we do.  While these actions are outward, we may not even be aware of what we’re doing - self sabotage is such a subtle, covert thing, and it tends to be more of a subconscious action than anything else.  In order to reverse subconscious programming, we need to become aware of it before we can make any change.

Today’s episode is all about the WORDS we use, and how those get in our own way.  It’s one thing to say something to yourself in your head, and it’s another thing to say those things out loud.  Believe it or not, almost almost of us speak in self deprecating ways from time to time.  Like I just said before, we may not even realize what we’re doing.  It’s extremely important to take control of our language, as our words have great, great power.  Words are like external programming - they tell other people how we think of ourselves.  They condition other people toward how they should be treating us.  Words convey our potential actions, and if we set something in the works that becomes reality, well, let’s make sure it’s something positive, not something that gets in our own way.

The first step always is to simply become self-aware.  Last week, I presented the exercise of keeping track of your thoughts in a little notebook.  Were you surprised by how many negative thoughts you have on a daily basis?  I know, when I did this exercise, that I certainly was!  For this week, I want you to spend some time being hyper aware of how you describe yourself to other people.  What do you say about yourself to others?

OK, now most of us don’t go walking around making grand declarations of “I am so and so.”  That’s not what this exercise is.  Instead, I want you to be extremely self aware of tiny little things that you say that present yourself to other people.  And I want you to be extremely HONEST in your descriptions of your self.

Two extremes exist when it comes to this.  One - and I’m guessing if you’re listening to a self-improvement podcast this is likely NOT you - is over bragging or over estimating your abilities.  In the tattoo business, oh my god, I’ve worked with several folks like this over the years.  Oh yeah, I can do that - when there’s absolutely zero experience to back up the claim.  Have you ever met someone like that?  No matter what you present them with, oh yeah, they’ve got it.  They can do it.  If you’re an insecure person, well, that might seem intimidating.  But, a secret?  Extreme insecurity often masquerades as over-confidence.  That person who seems like they’ve “got it” might simply be covering up their own lack of experience, and doesn’t have the guts to admit it.  That’s one extreme.

Another extreme - the second sign of self sabotage in words - is constant self-deprecation.  This speech behavior can come from all kinds of places.  Maybe something a parent or teacher said to you when you were young.  For me, it was the litany of things other kids said to me in school when I was being bullied.  Those soundtracks can so easily get internalized, until we don’t even realize that they came from somewhere else, and then we hear ourselves parroting those same words when we describe ourselves to other people.  A personal example here - look, I’m not a tall person by any stretch (I’m 5 5) but I have big feet for my height, as in a size 10-11.  And when I was young, I got made fun of a lot because of my big feet.  Because as an adult that makes me insecure, I’ve often make jokes about it to others and repeat those same words.  But why?  It’s simple conditioning combined with insecurity over my appearance.  If you find yourself repeating things like that, from something innocuous such as my big feet example to something more potentially damaging, you’ve gotta figure out where that comes from.  Is it you?  Was it someone else?  And ask yourself, is it helpful to say this out loud to someone else?  Why or why not?

Before repeating words like this, take a big breath - take a pause.  Reflect.  Here are three things to think about that are signs you’re using this type of language maybe without even realizing it.

One - how often do you make jokes about yourself?  Hey, I think it’s good to have a sense of humor about yourself and to be able to be lighthearted or poke fun of yourself - but in the right circumstances.  There’s a fine line between humor and self-deprecation, and often, gross insecurity or trauma can get masked in joking about yourself.  Is it a joke?  Or are you putting yourself down?  Another personal example here - and it may seem trite but it’s actually pretty significant - is something I’ve become aware of recently.  OK, I used to be a musician for a living, and it’s hard to imagine this of a musician, but I’m honestly terrible when it comes to dancing.  Always have been.  I just don’t have good gross motor skills, whatever.  Not my strength.  But, when I was a kid, my own parents used to poke fun of how badly I did in ballet lessons, and so I internalized that soundtrack.  Now when situations come up that involve dancing - say, like at a wedding or something - I tend to make ridiculous jokes about my lack of skills, and then that draws even more attention to myself.  It’s like, subconsciously, I’m saying to myself, well, I’m terrible, so let’s make it even more terrible, and people will just laugh like I’m making a joke instead of making fun at me.  But, is this helpful?  And really, who’s going to make fun?  Are we 10 years old?  No.  That’s something, again, I’ve become very aware of in my own speech patterns.  Is there something you do to poke fun at yourself?  Take a look at that this week, see where it originates, and ask yourself, why am I continuing to say this, even if it’s “just a joke?”

Two - do you have a tendency to use black and white, always and never language?  That can definitely be self sabotaging.  Think about it.  You have a bad day, and you say, things never go my way.  Something goes down in your love life, and you say, yeah, love never happens for me.  Ouch.  Become aware.  How often do you use these black and white terms in describing how the universe is treating you?  Can you find an exception?  When we say always or never, we program ourselves to look for always or never - we find evidence to back that up, and never find the exception.  But I guarantee you, NOTHING is black and white in your life, so take a breath, take a step back, and look for a tiny exception to that rule you just spoke out loud.  Chances are, if you can be honest with yourself, you’ll find one.  Or many.

Three - how often do you gossip about other people’s actions?  Yikes, right?  Here’s a secret - typically what you’re saying about other people really reflects more about you than it does about them.  Yeah.  Again, what you SAY publicly about others reflects YOUR inner self.  So, if you’re focused on other people’s perceived negative actions, chances are, you’re talking about something you don’t like about yourself.  This one’s hard.  It’s so, so easy to get caught up in what other people are doing, how you can possibly fix other people or control them, or thinking, oh if they just followed my advice…no.  Stop.  Run your own race, and mind your own business.  Become aware of what you’re saying and then ask yourself - what about this situation is reflected in MY world?  You might surprise yourself with what you discover.

In short, our words are a mirror to our inner world, and a precursor to our actions in our outer world - the topic for next week’s episode.  Because words have so much power, it’s vitally important to take stock of them, and use them wisely.

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