episode 69: the subtle art of self sabotage revamped - part 1 of 3
Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.
Believe it or not, this is the 69th episode of this podcast, and when I got started over a year and a half ago, I had the GOAL of making this a weekly thing, and let me tell you, I’m amazed that I’ve kept it up! Writing and recording a podcast every week is…well, it’s a lot of work! But I’ve had such a great response and I love the routine of it, along with the discipline it gives me, that I can’t possibly think of doing anything else now. I recently went back and listened to the very first episode - it was called the subtle art of self sabotage - and I thought, wow, I really should break this topic down more and revisit it.
Self sabotage is actually a huge topic, and it’s something that SO MANY of us do to ourselves; that also is part of the reason why I thought this should become a three part series. I believe we self sabotage ourselves in three different ways, and all of these are definitely connected. First, we can betray ourselves simply with our thoughts. Then our thoughts become words, or how we talk about ourselves to others. And later, those thoughts and words manifest in our actions - toward ourselves, toward our situations, and toward others. In this first episode, we’re going to examine our thoughts, and analyze how our thought patterns can lead to self sabotage.
It’s so easy to get caught up in negative thoughts about ourselves. How often do you think something negative about yourself? What does your inner soundtrack say? I can often hear the voice in my head saying, oh this ALWAYS happens to me, when something goes wrong. Or, why even bother, that’ll NEVER happen for me. Or, on a bad day, looking in the mirror, I hear that voice on occasion say, ugh, man, you’re looking old and tired right now. Horrible right? But be honest. How often do you think similar kinds of things about yourself? Chances are, if you’re a normal human being, from time to time - maybe when you’re tired or under stress or sad - you may have these thoughts. And honestly, they may be so fleeting that you may underestimate their impact at best. At worst, it’s easy to be consumed by them.
One thing to know is that your thoughts are NOT reality, they’re just….thoughts, nothing more. But that said - if we aren’t mindful or careful, our thoughts can indeed BECOME reality. If we let them. If we tell ourselves something over and over again, we will - subconsciously or consciously - make that happen. We can’t necessarily control our thoughts. I mean, have you noticed, the more you try NOT to think about something, the more it tends to pop up? The issue is focusing on certain thoughts. Judging certain thoughts. Getting wrapped up in certain thoughts. THOSE things we can control, not having the thoughts themselves.
For this reason, the first step in overcoming self sabotage is simply to become highly aware of our thoughts, especially when we are having negative thoughts about ourselves. Let me ask you this: What are your thought tendencies? Do you self blame? Do you feel guilt or shame frequently? Do you call yourself bad names from time to time?
In order to pay attention to this thoughts, this is an exercise I highly recommend, and I did mention this in the very first episode of this podcast. Get a small notebook, and carry it with you everywhere for a week. Every single time you have a negative thought about yourself, write it down in that notebook. Now, you’re going to become highly aware if you’re having frequently negative thoughts about yourself if you have to pull out a pen and paper. I will tell you this - I did this exercise as a self experiment several years ago, except for me, I carried around a binder, and I did this exercise for a full three months. Wow, it was…enlightening. I had no idea how many terrible things I said to myself in my head, just…constantly. And once I became aware, I started to be able to cordon those thoughts off and not react to them. And that brings us to the next step in the process.
After writing your thoughts down, start to notice patterns. Ask yourself, where did these thoughts originate? Are they original thoughts of yours, or perhaps are they a projection of someone else’s? Are they a soundtrack you heard from family members or a partner? Do they come from a situation that happened a long time ago, one that maybe you’ve just never let go of? If you came from an unhappy environment in your childhood, for example, it wouldn’t be uncommon to hear a thought in your own minds’ voice that perhaps came from a parent saying something negative to you. When something is repeated over and over again, it’s next to impossible to NOT internalize that.
This step - of noticing patterns - is simply heightening our awareness of what we’re thinking. Now comes the last part. This is letting go of the thoughts, simply letting them pass without judging them or acting on them. In meditation practice, I’ve heard it described as something like seeing your thoughts as a cloud in the sky that simply passes in front of you. When you see a cloud in the blue sky, do you judge it? No, typically we simply observe that it’s a cloud and we move on with our day. So in this step, after you’ve become aware of the thoughts and the patterns, when those thoughts and patterns return, instead of trying to make them stop, simply hold them for a second. Then let them pass. Don’t judge yourself for having a thought - I mean, who can help having a thought, right? Then let the thought go. Oh - yeah, there’s that thought again. OK, I get it, this always happens when I’m tired, sure. It’s JUST a thought.
Remember always - that thought does not have to be your reality. Learn to approach your thoughts more objectively and passively, without necessarily acting on them, and you will be less inclined to act in negative or self sabotaging ways.
I hope this first episode in this series is helpful! Next week we’ll take a look at our verbal soundtrack - our words, and explore some strategies to help redirect our language about ourselves toward something more positive.