episode 68: when to just let go
Listen to this episode here.
So here’s something I’ve been saying to myself a lot the past few weeks, mainly because on a personal level I’ve been dealing with some difficult family things: the Buddhists have it right in a lot of ways - the source of all suffering is desire. That sounds depressing, but let’s unpack this idea. Desire can indeed lead to suffering, especially when we want something so desperately that may be impossible or something that we can never have. And yes, there are things in life that we can’t have - look, I know this is a self-improvement podcast, but I don’t buy into the cult of endless toxic positivity. There are indeed some things we need to make peace with and accept that may not be possible for us. Now this said, desire can be a good thing, as when it’s directed toward something that IS possible can lead to leveling up in life. It can help us set goals, work toward those goals and move forward in our lives.
The key here is learning to navigate between practical and impractical desire. Learning to discern what is a possibility and what is not.
A big problem that many of us have is this: we want to change things that we can’t possibly change. That’s an impractical desire. How do we do this? Well, one way is that we get stuck in our pasts. We want to go back and change our actions, because hindsight is 20/20 and we think, oh, if we only hadn’t done X Y or Z, things would be so much better now. We get stuck thinking about things that happened TO us in our pasts - this is extremely common in folks that came from abuse or dysfunctional families. When we were young, things happened to us or we witnessed things that happened that we WISH never had happened. And in our contemporary lives, we ruminate endlessly on those things - those tragedies, those traumas, and those injustices that we never deserved. As much as all of these things hurt, we can’t go back and extricate ourselves from these situations, yet we mull them over and some of us even get obsessed by them, or consumed with anger over those situations. And that’s not helpful, because we can’t time travel and change our actions or someone else’s toward us.
Other impractical desires? These have to do with WANTING OTHER people to treat us differently. I’ve said it before on this podcast and I’ll say it again, over and over again, you can’t force someone else to do something; the only thing you can control are your own actions. Yet even so, we focus on wanting and wishing people close to us to love us in the ways that WE want to be loved, or to show us that they care in the ways that mean most to us, even if those ways don’t come naturally to them. We want people to see us in a different light - updating the file, so to speak. But we can’t change how other people perceive us, no matter how hard we try. Some folks simply have their minds made up no matter what we do. We want recognition for our achievements and validation for our accomplishments. But really, the best validation is that you can give yourself, and it’s super easy to get stuck in a bottomless pit that can’t be filled, especially if no recognition is ever enough because you may have a lower sense of self worth. No one’s validation or recognition will ever make up for that.
All of these impractical desires - these things we wish we can change but are impossible to change - can lead to all kinds of issues. We can get stuck in the past. We can get depressed, or down our ourselves, thinking that things are our fault when they’re not. We can get overwhelmed. We can get frustrated and angry. And none of these feelings are productive. All - additionally - take us out of the present moment, which is the one and ONLY thing we DO have control over.
Do you see now how desire can be the source of suffering?
I’m not suggesting that we bury or suppress difficult emotions, particularly when it comes to things that have happened to us in the past. We all need to process emotions in our own time and in our own individual ways. What’s not productive is getting stuck in them. And what I would propose, as the most beneficial thing for our own mental health, is learning to discern what desires we SHOULD pursue, and when it’s simply time to just let go. Sometimes, you have to just let go of a want. For me, coming from a dysfunctional family and a highly painful childhood experience, I crave the idea of family. But will that happen, in terms of blood family? No, it won’t. Is that fair? No, not really, but it is what it is, and I can’t change the circumstances of my own family of origin. What I can do is focus on creating a family of choice and surround myself with THOSE people! More on this coming up.
If you’re someone - like me - who in the past has gotten hung up on things you WISH you could change, know that there’s a way to extricate yourself from this cycle by learning to let go. So for the remainder of this episode, we’ll focus on some strategies for that. Here’s what’s worked for me, and I hope it helps you too!
First - if there’s an issue that’s been plaguing you, either in the present or in the past, ask yourself honestly: is this something I can change? If it’s a past event, nope, there’s nothing you can do, obviously. If it’s a present situation, does it mainly involve how someone else is reacting to you or treating you? If so, hard truth - you can’t do anything about that. Some people will never see you or treat you in the ways you want. You can’t force someone’s thinking, you just can’t. So, if this issue is something that absolutely cannot be changed - ever - spend some time alone mourning that. Set a time limit and some boundaries around that so it doesn’t impact your daily life. And if it’s a big thing - say issues with a family of origin, I highly encourage you to contact a therapist to help you process any emotions you may have bottled up. You’ve got to let things out before you can fully let things go.
Second - learn to ground yourself in the present moment. If you find yourself getting mired in the muck of impractical desires, start taking a look around yourself. Journal about what’s happening right now. Google “grounding exercises” - find things that you can do that will anchor yourself in the here and now. Try out some meditation classes or techniques. Honestly, what I find the most useful is movement - and seriously, that’s likely why I’ve gravitated toward distance running most of my life. Being present in the moment, in my own body, through outdoor exercise, helps me to stay anchored in the present day. It helps me to stay focused on now, on my breath and footfall, rather than letting my mind wander to things that can’t be altered from past years. Now you don’t have to go for a 20 mile run like me - you could always just take a mindful walk around your neighborhood. Walk slowly, fully take in the sounds and scents and sunlight. This is a great exercise, honestly, to do daily to stay grounded and I highly recommend this!
Third - learn to find gratitude and express that for what is! A personal example here? I was dealing with some difficult family issues myself over the weekend. I let myself feel all the feels, and then afterward, consciously made the decision to accept that certain things just suck, but they are what they are. And then, I made a phone call to my best friend and told her how fortunate I feel to have her as surrogate family. I was able to flip the script in that moment. Yes, certain things aren’t fair, but in my present life and in my family of choice, I am so fortunate. Be grateful. Even if things aren’t great right now in your personal life, I bet there are one or two small things you can find that you can express gratitude for. Write those down. Make a daily practice of this. And if some of those things are people, well, let them know. It feels good to get a call out of the blue with a friend saying, hey, I’m grateful for you. We should all learn to do this more.
Don’t let yourself get stuck wanting things that can never be. Learning to just let go is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.