episode 67: the one certain thing in life (and why you shouldn’t be afraid of it)

Listen to this episode here.

This week’s topic is something that gets said a lot, especially in terms of platitudes and overly generalized advice, but it’s something that doesn’t necessarily get internalized by most people.  And for that reason, I think it’s an important one to really address, because it’s the one thing that can really shift our perspective and force us to look at what is truly important or valuable in our own life journey.

So here’s the thing that most of us never want to talk about or face.  And that is: life is a one way journey.  Because we are limited and bound by time, we can’t go backward.  So there’s a starting point, our birth, and an inevitable ending point, our death.  How many of us really want to think about that?  Judging by how FEW of us actually have the difficult conversations around death planning, most of us don’t.  It’s not really a pleasant thing to discuss…but seriously.  If it’s the one certain thing that will happen to every single one of us, why do most of us avoid the topic?

In a weird way, I find it freeing that I won’t live forever.  Strangely, I feel like it takes some pressure off in some ways.  And honestly, death itself doesn’t scare me - it’s suffering from physical ailments or a long drawn out demise that does.  After watching my mother die from Lewy body dementia - a process that took years - oh man, I don’t ever want to go through that, or put my loved ones in the position of seeing me decline in that way.  That, to me, is terrifying.

What got me into this frame of mind recently - and it seems apt since spooky season (October) is right around the corner - is that I had some health stuff pop up that needed to be addressed.  And it was an issue that really could have thrown a huge monkey wrench into all of my future plans.  But, luckily, after a biopsy, I know there’s nothing to be overly concerned about, and I’m fine - I’m going through some natural aging processes at the moment.  I was scared there for a moment though.

I spent quite a bit of time on the phone with my best friend over the past few weeks, talking about all of this.  And dwelling on the - what if the biopsy comes back with some bad news? - thing.  After a lot of meditation and running and processing internally, I was able to tell my friend, you know, if it is something, I’m just going to live my life.  Right now.  I’ll dump a few things that aren’t my priority, and focus on the important ones.  And, if things turn out to be fine, well, I’m going to do the same damn thing.  Because THIS MOMENT is a wake up call.  It’s not worth it to be this stressed, or this busy, or this preoccupied with certain things that aren’t really all that important in the grand scheme.

Putting it into perspective - knowing that I have a finite number of days - that’s really helped me.  I’ve never really been one to avoid thinking about death, or death planning, but I have definitely let things that aren’t that important take center stage in my personal life.  And I’ve definitely wasted time that way - time on bad relationships, time in bad career choices, time doing things I really wanted to say no to.  And haven’t we all?  Why?  The answer isn’t necessarily simple - it’s definitely societal.  And there are for sure societal taboos we’re all working against.  One book that really opened my eyes is actually called “You Will Die” - link here.  And it’s all about elements of risk and taboos - and how those things hold us back from pursuing what we really want to do in life.  Interesting stuff.

My husband has recently gotten into solo backpacking.  For me, watching him do this, I’m so proud, as I’m seeing him really doing something that is just for himself.  I mean, this guy - he’s the most responsible person I know, and his life has revolved around creating a great life here at our home and supporting his son and family.  And I’m watching him now, FINALLY doing something that isn’t for someone else.  It’s just for him.  And I couldn’t be prouder.  But it’s hard for me, for sure - I worry about him, alone in the mountains.  I think that’s natural.  But as he’s said, he’d rather die doing what he loves in the wilderness rather than die in his work van on the job one day.

How many of us avoid doing what we really want to do because we’re scared we might get hurt?  Because we’re scared of the repercussions on our family?  Or what others might think?  Let me ask you - do you want to die at your office desk, doing the same thing you do every week day, or would you rather take the risk and die doing what you really love?

Now look - I’m not advocating throwing all caution to the wind here.  After all, even my husband has a GPS tracker on him and a safety plan, plus tons of emergency gear along with him - we’re responsible people.  But there’s absolutely nothing you can do in this world that doesn’t carry an element of risk.  So this episode is a WAKE UP call for you today.  I’m here to let you know you only have a set number of minutes left on this planet.  Today, you can start to make the most of those minutes.  Here’s an exercise you can try.

First - start having a regular date with yourself to work on your priorities.  For me, I spend almost every Monday morning down the street at my favorite coffee shop alone with my journal.  And I’ll just brain dump.  I’m someone who trends toward being overly active in my brain - meditation has really taught me how much I’m constantly planning and scheming and scheduling, and much to my own detriment and stress level.  So I use my Monday mornings to get it all out on paper.  I’ll write about what I perceive I have to do.  What is stressing me out.  What is giving me anxiety.  What deadlines might be coming this week.

And then after that brain dump session, I sit quietly for a bit outside at my table - seriously, big shout out to the gals who run my favorite coffee shop, because they never chase me away and let me hang alone with my thoughts!  I’ll then go through my notes and scribblings, and streamline.  What’s really important here?  Most times, I’ll make a bullet list of what my actual priorities are.  And by that, I mean BIG life priorities, not the minutiae of dealing with my clients at work or house chores or correspondence I need to do.  I’ll write down those big life priorities over and over again, week after week, and it helps keep me focused.  Lately, with this health scare, it’s been an even more effective exercise than ever!  Really, my list is simple.  And for you, it should be too.  Maybe it’s - spend time with friends and family.  Go have that travel adventure.  Run that race (that’s one of mine).  But you’ll never get that kind of clarity - that simplifying - if you don’t take regular time out and spend time alone, in silence, getting down to the voice in YOUR head.  Not everyone else’s expectations of you.  So, that regular date with yourself - it could be once a week or even once a month - it’s important to do.

Second - if you’re like me and you have a laundry list of daily to do tasks between your dates with yourself, boil those tasks down to what is actually important.  Distill them.  Ask yourself - when making a to do list for the week - does this tie into my bigger priorities for myself?  How does this particular list item contribute to my vision for my own life?  And ask yourself - if I were to only have a few months left, would this item really be all that important?  That’s an especially important question to ask yourself for perspective, particularly if this one thing is stressing you out.  Is it really a priority?

Third - Once assessing daily items in this way, strip things down to basics.  If it doesn’t matter, then let it go.  I will fully admit I jumped on the Marie Kondo bandwagon years ago, not just in terms of possessions, but in terms of my actions in daily life.  Doesn’t spark joy?  I’m saying no to that.  And sometimes, this causes some rifts in my personal life - such as saying no to invitations to doing things that everyone else thinks is fun, such as going to Disney.  I am so NOT into Disney, and I’m not a fan of spending tons of money on places where there are a bunch of crowds - it’s not to say that Disney fans are wrong for loving what they love, hey, more power to you!  But for me, it’s not my thing.  So I don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a day at Disney even if it’s with good friends because I’ll never enjoy it myself.  And that’s ok.  Another example - I’m not a big fan of holidays, and in my neighborhood, my neighbors think I’m horrible because I don’t decorate for Christmas.  But, it’s not something that sparks joy for me.  It does for others, and that’s great!  I’m happy for them.  But that obligation and that taboo of actually admitting, eh, not that much of a Christmas decorating fan, can kind of put people off.  I have to just accept that people will say things and go ahead and live my life.  And I’m giving YOU permission RIGHT NOW to say no.  Even if it’s to something that everyone else says you SHOULD be doing.  Because everyone else is doing it.  No no, you don’t have to.  Remember, there are only a finite number of minutes left, so why spend those on simply doing things out of obligation?  Don’t waste your time on things that aren’t your priority.

In closing, don’t let your fear get the best of you.  Don’t be afraid of what is to come in the end, because it comes for all of us.  The best thing to do is to always make the most of every minute you have, right now, right in front of you, in this present moment.  And live your priorities, no one else’s!  Wake up - your time here is limited.