episode 81: what you look like doesn’t matter

Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.

I’ve been meaning to talk about this particular topic for a long time now…it’s on my brain frequently, likely because I work with young people - and mainly women - a LOT in my tattoo studio.  One thing I hear frequently from these clients when they’re sitting in my chair is all kinds of talk about how “I’m getting old” or “oh, I can start to see my wrinkles, gotta do something about that,” even if the client might only be in her 20s.  Here I am, working on this client at 45, likely older than the client’s mom, and you know…while I can’t say that in the past I haven’t been self-conscious about how my age comes across in my looks, these days, I simply don’t have time for that.

Here’s a question for you - why, when we give compliments, especially to women, are they mainly focused on looks?  Oh, you look great, you look so pretty!  Gorgeous!  That kind of thing.  I recently posted a throwback picture on my Facebook page - and yes, I’m of the generation to still actually HAVE a Facebook page - and it was from maybe 8 years ago, it was a silly selfie of me and my cat.  Good picture.  But what was interesting about the post was this - I was in my 30s at the time, was absolutely miserable in my marriage to my first husband, felt like crap most of the time because I was stressed out working three or four jobs, I didn’t sleep, and I was super self-conscious about the dreaded “getting older” thing.  So I would take these selfies, Facetune the crap out of them (and if you don’t know about Facetune, at that time it was a popular app that could airbrush out visible wrinkles and whiten your teeth and even change your face shape to look slimmer), and I would post these to feel better about my life.  Did I?  Maybe after getting a few likes on a picture - at that time, sure.  Anyhow, when I reposted this picture, people came out of the woodwork to comment, like, all of that good stuff.  Which is nice, don’t get me wrong.  But if I post about things I really really care about, say this podcast, on my personal pages, that generally doesn’t garnish nearly as much attention.  And people don’t know what to say.

Because of this sort of phenomenon, it’s easy to start thinking the way that the way to get attention is to look a certain way, right?  But is that the right kind of attention?  Is that what really matters in the end?  You know, at this point in midlife, I’m more inspired by what people have accomplished.  What their capabilities are.  How STRONG they are.  Why aren’t we giving compliments - particularly to women - more on those aspects of their lives?  Just something to think about.

Anyhow, back to my highly edited photo - it may have looked good and presented well to others.  But it certainly didn’t represent how I was feeling at that particular time - at all.  I can think back to other times in my young life, say 20 years ago, when I weighed 30 pounds less than I do now, was squeezing into size 2 or 4 dresses, had no wrinkles, very little grey hair, was quite thin, looked - according to societal standards - good or even pretty.  And I thought I looked terrible, plus, I was completely obsessed with making myself look better because I continually thought I wasn’t good enough.  On top of that, I was weak, I ran constantly more as a form of punishment than anything else, I ate like crap, maybe slept 4 hours a night, worked too much, and felt trapped in a very unhappy marriage.

The point here is that there isn’t necessarily a correlation between how one looks and one’s mental health or strength.  Some of the most “attractive” fitness influencers out there are doing crazy, crazy things to present as athletic, for instance.  You might see ripped muscles and low body fat, and sure, they’ve worked out like crazy to get there, but when that photo was taken, maybe they were in an extreme cut on very limited calories, taking diuretics at best and supplementing with andros at worst, none of which is good for you long term.  This is just one example.  You can’t assume that someone is in great shape - mentally and or physically - just because they present well in a photo.

Look, the one inevitable thing in life is that we’re all going to get old and eventually die, right?  So why do we keep fighting that, pretending like if we just get the latest procedures and fillers that it won’t happen to us?  Seriously, while I’m definitely NOT saying don’t care about your appearance or don’t take pride in that - no of course not, be you and enjoy the body you’re in and rock it however you want - I AM saying that a perceived physical “decline” in terms of mainstream beauty standards is going to happen.  It’s a losing battle no matter what.  So why don’t we just embrace that?

Lately, I’ve been thinking about this idea from certain pagan traditions - bear with me here, I’m not exactly a woo type person, but I love this idea so much.  As a woman, these traditions say that we have three phases of life, maiden, mother, and crone - or wise woman.  When you’re a maiden, you’re a little girl, you are innocent, you’re being taken care of.  You’re a child.  The mother archetype is caring for others.  But the crone?  The crone has the knowledge.  And she’s past the taking care of everyone else stage in life.  She knows things, she’s wise, she’s tough, she’s been there and done that.  I’m personally embracing entering that stage of life - I say, bring it on, and who cares if the wrinkles are there.  Hey, I’m not airbrushing those out in photos ever again, personally.  I have zero desire to go back.

This topic today - of why it really doesn’t matter what you look like - it’s meant to free you from the trap of getting sucked into trying to pursue eternal youth or some kind of appearance ideal.  Instead of defining ourselves and our self worth by how we physically present, what if we define ourselves by our strength, our stability and our inner wisdom?  And perhaps, by our resilience?  That’s, after all, kind of the whole point of this podcast.

So if you are in my age range, even if you’re older or younger, and you find yourself musing over, oh if only I could LOOK younger, I want you to think about the following.

One - go back to an old picture of yourself, where you think you were “ideal.”  Now analyze where you were mentally.  Did you really have it together?  Honestly? I tell you what, I’ve got some killer pics of myself in my 20s, but when I look at those know, instead of seeing the pretty skin and lean body, I remember that I was in my “hot mess” years of feeling insecure, obsessed, scared, exhausted, and so on.  Now, do you have a similar experience?  Ask yourself, when you get sad that you don’t look like THAT anymore, do you REALLY want to go back to where you were at that point in your life?  Chances are, you don’t.

Two - think about what you HAVE accomplished.  Maybe you’re like me, you work out a lot and are in good shape, but you don’t have the body of a 20 year old.  So what!  Hey, I’m in WAY better shape than I was at 20 - I put it in a Tik Tok the other day that I squat 185-200 pounds now and I just ran 100 miles in 26 hours - I couldn’t do that at 20, but I can at 45.  OK, maybe you’re not an athlete.  Maybe you’re a mom, and your body doesn’t look like it did at 20.  So what!  You freaking gave birth to another human.  That’s amazing.  Look what you did!  Maybe you’re a guy in your 40s, you’ve got grey hair and you don’t FEEL like you did in your 20s, not the same energy.  So what!  Maybe you’ve got a great career, maybe you’ve raised kids, and maybe you’re WAY more together mentally than you were at 20.  I mean, seriously y’all, do you really want to go back?  And if you are listening to this, and you’re younger, that youthful phase of so called good looks that our society glorifies doesn’t really last that long - it’s like a blip in your life overall.  Focus on your personal development, your strengths long term, getting your act together, and as you age, it’s so much better.

Three - instead of picking apart your looks, I want you to give gratitude to your body.  I’ve heard this talked about in recent terms as body neutrality.  It’s simply looking at your body AS IT IS RIGHT NOW, not trying to change it or criticize it, just accepting it.  And then saying THANK YOU for bringing me this far.  It’s the only body you have, so make your peace with it, give thanks to it, and treat it well going forward.

I know this was kind of a different topic today - normally I talk more about mental health and mindset, but I truly believe our bodies and minds are linked.  And the more we obsess over our appearance as we age, the more we forget how far we’ve come.  Let’s not get sucked into the cult of eternal youth.  Let’s celebrate getting into the wise stage of life.