episode 62: what do you really need?

Listen here. Transcript below:

A few weeks ago, I shared an episode based on some things I was thinking about on a recent backpacking trip.  And with today’s episode - as with most of my episodes - this topic has been percolating in my mind for the past few weeks ever since.  I think this is a topic many of us at middle age chew on, and the sooner you learn this lesson, the happier you’ll end up being.  It’s definitely a topic for anyone of any age to think about seriously.

I just got home from a walk with my husband, and he was asking me about this topic, and my angle on it.  And I told him that the big thing that inspired this - aside from my recent revelations on the trail - was the memory of living out of a single, beat up, mid sized backpack for about a month at a time on the road for various jobs, tours and travels.  Yes, you heard that right - I’m a middle aged woman who likes her skin care products, but I can - and more importantly - HAVE lived out of a single backpack for more than a month.  I bought this said backpack maybe 12 or 13 years ago and it’s literally been everywhere.  A theatre gig in Romania?  Check.  A couple of tours with death metal bands across North America?  Check.  A transcontinental run attempt?  Check.

Now, look - I am definitely not what one would call a minimalist, and I don’t really buy into “trends” when it comes to online presence or lifestyle.  Do what works for you.  This said, today’s topic is about getting down to the essentials.  I’m not here to teach you how to pack light for road travel.  I’m here rather to ask you - what do you really need?  At the end of the day, how much of our life do we spend lusting over, pursuing, desiring, wishing and hoping for things that we may not even necessarily need?  Recently, when I see things that try and pull me out of this “focus on the what really matters” mindset, I ask myself in moments of temptation: “for what?”  To what end?  Why?  And that, my friends, has saved me a whole lot of heartache - not to mention money.

In a recent conversation with my husband, he said to me that he was avoiding walking through certain areas around town simply because seeing opulent affluence makes him WANT things more.  That’s just SEEING things.  You know, things like big houses on the beach and fancy fast cars.  When it comes down to it, both he and I know we’re both doing great, but it’s incredibly human to look around you and think, hey, maybe I want to level up.  Maybe that extra bedroom would be nice.  Maybe the newer car would be nice to have.  Maybe the better clothes.  Maybe I’ll feel better about myself if I acquire some - or all - of these things.

Have you ever noticed this phenomenon?  Let’s say you get a new car for the first time in your adult life.  I remember mine, it was a 2000 Chevy Prism.  When I got it, it was super shiny and fabulous, not to mention a massive step up from my previous junker of a Honda that was always and continuously breaking down.  I was so excited to drive it when I first got it.  But then what…like after a year?  It was old hat.  It didn’t have the same sheen, the same excitement.  Why?  I got used to it.  And that’s what happens - it’s the phenomenon of hedonic adaptation.  You can live on the cheap when you’re young, then strive for more, then get used to having more, and then you need more and more to keep that excitement going.  Instead of holding space and gratitude for what we have around us - when it is perfectly serviceable and works for us - we instead take it for granted.  We need the next big thing.

And how does that make us feel?  Well, in some cases, it causes stress.  We buy more and more to up the ante, right?  So we spend more and more, meaning we need to make more and more money to keep things afloat.  And so we have to work more - in bigger jobs with bigger paychecks.  And that raises our stress levels.  What do we find we have less of?  Time to ourselves.  Freedom.  Maybe flexibility.  We get locked into a cycle of wanting, then feeling like we need, and then the urgency to attain.  This happens not just with physical things, but with achievements and also with long term relationships for sure.

NOT having gratitude for what is in front of us can truly take us out of the moment into future tripping.  Not having gratitude for what is in front of us keeps us from living in the now, as we are planning and scheming for things we perceive that we need, simply because we are trying to keep up with the Joneses next door.

Now look, I’m not saying we shouldn’t have goals for ourselves, and I’m also not saying that having ambition to change one’s life is a bad thing.  No, not at all.  What I do want to emphasize - speaking from experience - is that the constant wanting, needing, longing, and desiring is a distraction.  Here’s the key - attaining a said “thing” or goal or relationship or purchase will NOT magically transform YOU at your core.  Think about this: have you ever achieved something and then had a big emotional letdown afterward because you didn’t quite “feel” the way you thought you would?  Totally natural, totally human thing to have happen.  That’s because we attach these emotional expectations to these desires, thinking we’ll magically become the person we’ve always wanted to be IF we attain them.  And - well, that’s never the case.

I’m no Buddhist, despite the fact that meditation is a big part of my life.  But one thing I’ve taken from Buddhist philosophy - from the four noble truths - is that desire often can cause suffering.  And it’s true.  Are you someone who constantly feels like you need the next big thing?  The next goal?  The bigger house?  The nice car?  I challenge yourself today - ask yourself, for what.  And let’s look into some strategies we can use to get off of the treadmill of desire in this way.

One - minimize distractions in your daily life to stay focused on the present moment and on what is in front of you right now.  Check out last week’s episode on listening and on silence.  Only when we are truly quiet and not distracted can we actually hear our INNER voices on what we truly need.  You can do this in any number of ways - meditation, different mindfulness practices, exercise even, journaling - anything to tune you into your own intuition rather than getting pulled into your external environment and making comparisons to those around you.  Only when we are fully present can we actually discern whether or not we actually NEED something, and only when we are fully present can we differentiate between need and desire.  There’s a difference.  If you start going down that rabbit hole - feeling like you NEED to do something or buy something or accomplish something - ask yourself FOR WHAT.  And get honest with the response.  I’m definitely not advocating selling all of your possessions and going off to live in the mountains in a tiny off grid cabin, but I am advocating getting raw with yourself to see where you’re getting sucked into distractions and mindless consumption.  And believe me, I totally get it - I am equally guilty of impulse amazon buys as the next person, and like many of my topics, these are all things I’m working on right alongside you as I record these episodes.

Two - learn to declutter.  No, I’m not going to go all Marie Kondo on you here, although I’ve gone through my own transformation that way with my own stuff, so to speak.  By decluttering, I’m talking about stripping away non-essentials in every aspect of your life.  Yes, that can be stuff littering your house.  But it also can be a lot of other things we don’t really think of as distractions that keep us on that hamster wheel of wanting and lusting over.  It can be digital clutter - accounts we follow on social, the time we spend on social media, that kind of thing.  It can be constant digital communication.  We’re supposed to be online and available all the time now in the smartphone era, right?  No.  We don’t have to be.  You’re allowed to put your phone away and not text someone back immediately.  You’re allowed to put your phone in a do not disturb mode for as long as you need.  It is OK to not be in constant contact with all of your contacts, friends and acquaintances.  It is OK to turn things off, tune into yourself, and take the time to assess what’s really necessary.

Three - express gratitude daily.  Again, I’m not a feel good Mary Poppins puppies and flowers type.  But I have and still do keep a gratitude journal.  In that journal, I keep lists regularly of all the things I’m grateful for in my present moment.  In fact, I recently realized - because of this practice - that I have everything right now in my contemporary life that I’ve ever wanted.  Seriously.  I have a great marriage, I’m my own boss, I have flexibility with my work calendar, I contribute to others through volunteer activities and this podcast, there’s food on the table and a nice place to live - I mean, really.  What else can a person ask for?  A fancy car?  But - for what?  My gratitude journal has kept me grounded, rather than upping the ante with each new development in my life.  And a gratitude journal is so easy to do - all you have to do is write down a couple of things every day that you’re grateful for.  That can be from the mundane to the deep.  Focusing your energy on those things rather than a list of “wants” will keep you from perceiving those wants as “needs” - and consequently will keep you from angst.  I’m a big believer in writing things down.  You can go ahead and roll your eyes at the gratitude journal suggestion here, but give it a shot, just for a week, and see how it starts to transform your inner landscape.  I challenge you.