Season 2, Episode 7: is love enough?

Listen to this episode here.

So most people think I have a pretty cool job - that of being a tattooist.  In actuality, I have two pretty cool jobs.  My full time gig is obviously running my own tattoo studio, but I also work part time as a flight instructor.  So yeah, I basically get paid to draw pretty pictures on nice people and teach other nice people how to fly little airplanes.  Not exactly a bad way to spend your work week, right?

I am really grateful to be at this point in my life, and yes, I absolutely love doing what I do.  However, it took a ton of work to get to this point, and not every day is exactly sunshine and roses.  So, when well meaning folks look up to me, idealizing how cool it must be to live like this, and say, “oh, you’re so lucky to do what you love!”...that gets to me a bit.  For anyone in this position - anyone who’s pursued a career in these ways, pursued a career that was completely out of the box, or pursued self employment - that statement really doesn’t take into account all of the obstacles and toil that you face not just along the way to get there but also the stuff you have to deal with on a daily basis.

When it came to becoming a tattooist, I spent the better part of two years begging the man who became my mentor to give me a chance as an apprentice.  In fact, he sent me away several times.  I asked him at one point what finally made him change his mind and offer to teach me, and he said, you just wouldn’t go away.  Truth.  I was persistent.  Then when it came to wrapping up the apprenticeship and getting a shop job?  Oh my god, you all should see some of the places I’ve worked in, and some of the crazy situations I’ve been in.  I’ve broken up fist fights.  I’ve tattooed someone while they held their hand on the gun in their waistband the whole time.  I’ve had death threats.  I’ve experienced all the weird reactions and bodily fluids and smells and grossness.  And, I have answered the same questions over and over and over again for the past decade and a half plus.  Additionally, I still never know how much money I’m going to make in any given month, so forget ever sticking to a budget because it’s just kind of impossible.  I don’t have paid time off, no retirement plan, no medical benefits - I don’t work, I don’t make money.  I love tattooing more than anything - I love how I empower others to express themselves through body art.  But am I lucky?  I’m grateful.  But it’s not luck that’s brought me to this point.  It’s hard work, and I keep working hard, and I have days that are really rough.

It’s the same as a part time flight instructor.  Sure, again, I’m grateful I was able to complete the training.  But earning a flight instructor certificate?  It was more expensive than earning my PhD.  And pay is…well, the school I’m at pays the best in the area, but it’s far far less than I make tattooing.  And you want to talk about stress?  Dealing with fear responses every single day in student pilots learning to fly is really different than dealing with fear responses in tattoo clients.  My tattoo clients can’t exactly kill me, but my flight students sure can.  I can’t ever let my guard down.  Again, I’m not complaining - I love every single second I get to share with a student, and I love empowering my students!  But it’s not easy, and I don’t consider myself “lucky” - I’ve worked damn hard to get here.

So here’s the question - and it’s the topic for today’s episode.  Is love really enough?

Let’s think about a committed relationship, especially marriage.  No one gets married anticipating falling out of love, or getting divorced, right?  People get married because…well, the relationship starts in a heady way, giddy, ga ga goo goo, madly in love, right?  But anyone who’s been married a long time…let me ask you.  Does it stay the same?  Or does that love transform and change as day to day routine takes over and we settle in?  Sure does. 
Same thing follows with friendships.  We might sense an immediate connection with someone, and feel like, wow, I’ve found a best friend, this is rad! But as years go by…does it stay the same?  Or does it quiet down, and transform?  Again, sure does.

So what happens if we have the expectation that we’re always going to be in a giddy “in love” kind of feeling?  We’re going to get let down when things get real.  We’re going to get let down when things become routine.  And when things get hard, when we have bad times and bad days and even bad years, we definitely can get let down even more…and maybe we’ll even bail when this idealized “love” isn’t saving the day.

I would propose that we need to reframe love from an idealized Hollywood kind of thing to something else that helps us to stay the course.  Idealized love isn’t enough…that’s a spoiler alert.  What we do need is a purpose to anchor us, in addition to love.  We need a WHY.  We need something larger than ourselves, a reason to stick it out, something to help us stay the course and remain focused.  It’s so easy to lose sight of the whole point if we don’t have a reason for doing what we’re doing - whether that’s staying in a marriage, a friendship, or a career like one of mine.  Love with a sense of purpose - that’s where the real growth happens.  That’s the thing that a life journey is really about.  It’s not about being lucky - even simply maintaining deep love requires commitment and work.  But if we remember why we’re here - why we’re doing this - it makes the work worth it in the end.

Have you felt like you’ve been falling out of love, be that with a friend, a partner, or a career path?  We’ve all been through those peaks and valleys.  Here are some ways you can get deeper with love and finding a why to help you maintain it for the long haul.

One - identify what it actually is that you love.  Go back to basics.  If it’s a career choice, what immediately lit you on fire about the gig?  For tattooing, it’s seeing someone’s face light up when they get a tattoo that really means something to them, or helps them bring closure to a big point in their life.  I live for that moment and always feel so honored to have shared that with a client.  That’s just one example.  What if it’s an old friendship, say with someone from decades ago that you might not feel that much of a connection with now?  Maybe go back, think about how you first met that person, and give them a call and reach out and talk about that time.  Remember the core of that love and how it all started.  Sometimes just getting back to basics takes all the crap out of the equation - all the complications that get in the way as time passes.

Two - this might sound crazy, but when it comes to pursuing something you love or staying the course in a relationship of some kind, I find that writing down a mission statement is incredibly helpful.  What’s that?  I know, sounds corporate but it doesn’t have to be.  Just get out a sheet of paper and write down what your mission is.  With me, for my tattooing job, it’s something like I get to help celebrate moments in my client’s lives, and I get to help them commemorate emotional growth to empower them on their lives journey.  I mean, how cool does my job sound when I frame it that way?  Another example?  In my marriage today?  I get to share my life with an amazing man, we work together to enjoy life as partners in every sense of the word, and we create a safe haven in our home for each other.  Seriously, I think that’s pretty rad.  What about you?  What mission statements can you come up with?

Three - when it comes down to challenges, go back to that mission statement, and frame those challenges within the WHY you’ve identified.  Going back to the tattoo career example - let me tell you, it’s a frustrating and stressful job a lot of days.  You have cancellations, you have attitudes, you have weird competitive folks in the same field throwing all kinds of weird energy at you.  And it’s so easy to get burned and jaded about it all, and start turning into a jerk and take it out on your unsuspecting clients.  But for me, if I go back to that mission statement, about how this whole experience helps me empower clients on a life journey?  All that other stuff starts to seem small and trivial.  If you can find a compelling why, and then you can frame your challenges within that, well…then love does indeed become enough.  In fact, it’s the only choice you have.

I hope this episode helps you.  I think many of us throw the towel in too soon on something we love - a career or relationship or new pursuit when things get hard.  We don’t like things to be hard.  But work is part of anything.  And if we can keep the why in the forefront of our minds, the work needed to maintain the love of whatever you choose will be one thousand percent worth it.