episode 84: no one’s that special

Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.

So I’ve been going through a bit of a career shift - or redirection, I guess, yet again.  I currently work full time as a tattoo artist and own a studio, but a few months ago, I achieved a huge  personal milestone that I had which was to earn my flight instructor certificate after about 5 and a half years of steady flight training.  Now, I’m working part time as a flight instructor on top of my full time work as a business owner, and it’s been…challenging, but I’m getting into a groove with it and I’m learning so much…not just about flight training, but about human psychology in general.

Let me tell you - anyone who works in a service industry or personal care industry, such as hairstylists or tattoo artists - we’ve got a pretty good grasp on human psychology.  We may not have the fancy academic words to describe things, but based on having to engage with people one on one every day to make a living, we probably have more of a practical understanding than most.  In tattooing, I always tell people that I’ve tattooed everyone from every single walk of life - literally from strippers to surgeons, because whether or not people admit it, everyone gets tattooed.  Something profound about this is it gives me the opportunity to interact with people outside of my normal social circle, or even outside of my own “class” so to speak.  And people really open up in the chair - my hairstylist friends will tell you the same thing happens to them.  Maybe it’s something about the anonymity, maybe it’s the fact that the practitioner is a bit of a captive audience and we can’t judge because we’ve gotta keep our professional game face on…whatever it is, clients open up and start to tell you everything.  And when I mean everything, I mean way more than you ever bargained for.

A few things I’ve learned.  Even when people seem like they’ve got the perfect family and the perfect job, they’re often a mess.  In fact, most people are a mess in some way - you learn this from listening to folks, that’s just something we all have in common.  Another thing - everyone more or less wants the same stuff in life.  They’re looking for a companion, they want the love of their family, they want enough money to not struggle, and a bit of time to do the stuff they love.  That’s basically it.  It’s universal, I don’t care what type of background or beliefs someone has - that is something we all have in common, this desire to be loved and to be understood and heard and to feel safe.  It’s really very basic.  Even people you may think are a monster based on their political beliefs being different from yours - they likely want those things too.  But here’s the funny third thing I’ve learned - almost every single person thinks they’re completely alone in their struggles, like this only happens to them, and no one can possibly understand what they’re going through. And in some, their problems or traumas are worse than everyone else’s and they’re likely unsolvable because of that.

I’ve really found - through working as a tattooist - that people truly think they’re special, and they’re especially special in their suffering.  I genuinely think this is a very human tendency - don’t ask me why it’s there, I’m not a scientist and this is all purely an anecdotal observation, but it’s based on 16 years of working in this field.  And you know, we’re all unique - we all think different ways and have different backgrounds, sure.  But no one’s really that special.  We all have so much more in common than we do different especially at our core, and that’s something to really keep in mind when we’re going through “stuff.” If one person can come out on the other side, well, damnit, so can you.

Now that’s a long segue into my career shift and into teaching flight instruction, but it’s all part of the point of this episode.  No one really is that special.  A personal story - when I started learning to fly about 6 years ago now, I was freaking terrified, and frankly I was a neurotic mess.  In fact, I likely drove my instructor nuts because the first few lessons I kept frantically asking “am I doing this right?  Am I?”  Ridiculous.  I always perceived that everyone else had it way more together than I did, so I absolutely needed to work a million times harder to overcome this.

And what have I learned now after only instructing for a few short months?  Everyone’s nervous.  People present differently though.  But no one’s so special that they’re exempt from the nerves.  I mean, I can have middle aged students who are totally professional and amazing folks, and when they get into the airplane, they clamp down on the controls so tightly due to their own nerves that I can’t even move anything.  This does happen, oh yes.  I have younger students who say “I’ve got it” but in a show of bravado - often due to fear and nerves - can make some crazy errors.  We ALL get nervous.  I mean, flight instruction is so interesting because it’s taking that knowledge of human psychology waaaaay up because I’m interacting with folks on that reptilian brain, fear response level.  It’s just wild.

The whole point - again, we’re human.  And humans have universal reactions.  Where we get into trouble mentally is when we start isolating ourselves, thinking that our problems are special to us and us alone.  For example, with me, with learning to fly, I perceived that I was the most special because I was the most nervous.  And so I worked the most hard to overcompensate.  Now, we may have different responses.  Let’s say with mental health issues.  We’ve been through a lot, we’re experiencing anxiety.  And we tell ourselves - I’m the only one with this, so there’s no one who can help, so why bother even trying to solve this.  I just have a disorder, clearly.

Does it make sense where I’m going with this?  Without a sense of real perspective on how universal a lot of human emotions, issues and tendencies are, we can really get in our own way.  Yes, we’re unique, but we aren’t all that special.  I truly believe that no matter what our problems are, there have been others who have gone down the same road - albeit maybe in a different context - and so there have been others who have figured it out.  If they can, well, so can we.  And here are a few steps to take if you feel like you’ve been alone in your struggles.

One - when it comes to a challenge in your life, let go of preconceived expectations of how you think you should feel or what you’re supposed to be.  For example, we may perceive that in a happy relationship we’re never going to fight with our partner.  And then when a conflict arises, we think - oh my god, something’s really wrong.  Or, if we’re feeling off, we avoid that confrontation because we don’t want a fight to happen, because happy couples don’t fight, so we swallow it and consequently start to build up toxic resentment.  Hey, truth bomb here, any time you get two people together for any long duration, living together, sharing everything, they are going to get on each other’s nerves.  Seriously.  It’s bound to happen, and someone’s going to snap at some point.  It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong.  It just means you’re two different people and you’re simply being human.

Two - do your research.  When it comes to situations that you’re going through, let go of any taboos and ask for help.  Ask for information.  Look it up.  Admit to someone you trust what you’re going through.  Chances are, someone else has gone through the same thing.  Hey, I get real on this podcast - I went through an abusive situation in my home growing up, and seriously, I thought I was unique in that for years.  And it really wasn’t until my 30s that I started meeting other people who had gone through similar situations.  Knowing that I wasn’t alone helped me so much in my own recovery process - I was able to gather more information, ask what books folks had read, what they had done…and that’s definitely what helped me get my life together.  Getting resources, researching, and finding the help is integral for any life challenge.

Three - find your community.  This definitely pairs with number 2.  A silly example of this?  During my years in the academic setting, at first, I felt really alone with everything I was dealing with going through the tenure process.  Then I met a number of other new faculty members and we kind of formed an unofficial support group.  We would get together a few times a year for what we called P and M sessions - that stood for “piss and moan.”  Something about meeting for tacos and margaritas and venting about everything that was going wrong in our department helped us realize we weren’t alone…and that we could rely on each other for support.  That got me through so many struggles when working in academia - knowing I had those work friends who were going through the same stuff and that I wasn’t special in my own struggles there.  Solidarity is invaluable!  Find your people and connect.

In short, no one is so special that they should have to suffer through life’s challenges all alone in silence.  Let go of expectations, learn, and reach out - and I guarantee you that your unique self can rise above whatever challenges you may be facing.  You are never alone.