episode 65: stop being so judgmental

Listen to this episode here. Transcript below.

If you’re tuning in for the first time, I work as a full time tattoo artist and I’m also a tattoo studio owner.  I’ve been in the industry now for over 15 years; it was a second career for me and I didn’t get started until my late 20s, but even so, 15 years constitutes enough time - I think - to be considered a pretty experienced artist.  One thing I’ve really begun to see in these years of experience is the tendency to get super jaded about tattooing, especially the more time goes on.  I love what I do, don’t get me wrong - but it’s a lot of explaining the same things day after day, answering the same questions, and always being under a lot of pressure.  I mean really, think about it - I don’t get to have a bad day, right?  I’m physically altering my clients’ appearances for the rest of their lives, every single day I’m at work.  Again, no pressure, right?

All of that kind of stress is one thing.  But another is the fact that tattooing - like any other industry - is going through seismic changes at the moment.  There’s a ton of new technology out there - all kinds of new products, some for better, some for worse.  And social media especially has changed the game.  It’s changed clients’ expectations of what we do, what the tattoo experience should be like, and even what’s possible since most clients can’t discern between an honest photo of a tattoo and one that’s been photoshopped out to the nth degree making it seem like things that are not physically possible are the norm.  THAT is what I think makes a lot of tattoo artists get jaded over time - that and pressure each day on the job.

Now, this isn’t a podcast about tattooing at all, and I don’t expect anyone listening to even know anything about tattooing, but this is setting the stage for the theme of this episode.  Because so many of us get jaded and frustrated and stressed out at the constant need to change and evolve to stay relevant in this industry, our uncomfortable feelings often come out in the form of being super judgmental of our peers.  Here’s an example I’ve seen recently.  This is someone who was a mentor to one of my mentors, and this artist, he’s been in the game for more than 50 years, he’s a shop owner, and has recently been losing artists to the private studio trend.  Traditionally, a tattoo studio owner will make 40-50 percent of what an individual artist brings in.  But today, especially with laws changing about subcontracting, such as here in California where this business model is now actually illegal, artists are seeing that they can open tiny private studios and make more money.  Adding to this trend is that clients less and less want to pick designs off the wall - they want something unique and special to them only, so they like that individual private studio experience.  So this artist in question?  He’s experienced, he’s really well known and respected in the industry, and I’ve been noticing that his social media pages are basically full of ranting about the shape of the industry, criticizing artists who do things differently than him, such as those of us who even use a different style of machine that’s more modern than he does.

OK - I get the frustration at seeing your business model have to change.  I’ve been there.  But why the unilateral judgment on ANYONE, anywhere, who works in a different model than you do?  If you’re successful, and you’re busy, why does that even bother you?  Why do you see the need to go online and criticize, rather than simply enjoy your own legacy and what you’ve built?

This is where I’m getting into the theme for this episode.  Being judgmental doesn’t serve you - it’s a huge expenditure in energy, in your stress level, and in your mental space.   Now, I think it’s perfectly OK to assess what other people do or how other people behave, don’t get me wrong.  But where does noting change into judgment?

In one respect, I feel that elitism, such as I’ve seen in my own industry with titans of former eras going on and on about the ONE way to tattoo and the ONE type of machine you can use otherwise you’re just a sell out - elitism is simply an elaborate form of being judgmental.  I’ve seen it in the music industry as well.  I played in underground metal bands for years and years, and if you want to see elitism at its best, hang out with a bunch of underground metal fans.  Hey, I was and still am one myself.  They get in debates about when bands were true, or when they were the best before they went mainstream and such.  But before those bands went mainstream?  They were likely playing for free and living out of their vans.  What the hell is wrong with wanting to stay relevant and make a living?

We all have this tendency to want to be special - and I think that definitely leads to elitism in folks that are particularly insecure.  Here’s the truth though - none of us really are all that special.  So because that’s an uncomfortable thing to hear, we try to make ourselves as such by becoming elitists, or by judging others to elevate ourselves above them.  In short, the tendency to be super judgmental is simply a cover for being woefully insecure.  If you are a secure person, you realize that it’s just wasting your valuable time to even worry about what other people are doing - you’re more occupied taking care of yourself.  And that is what I believe more of us need to learn to do, myself included, who happens to be a recovering over the top elitist.

One of the best phrases I heard tossed around in my year of attending Al Anon meetings was: take what you want and leave the rest.  Look around you, listen to people around you, assess situations around you, and if things don’t work for you, note that and let it be.  Focus on what serves you instead of judging what doesn’t.

Are you someone who has a tendency to focus on what other people are doing, rather than self assessing?  If so, don’t worry - we all have this tendency from time to time.  And here are some strategies you can try out to help focus on yourself rather than judge those around you.

One - recognize when you’re being judgmental rather than noting or analyzing a situation.  That’s always the first step, to even understand that you’re doing something in the first place!  When does this happen?  Are you talking with friends, and you start criticizing someone’s behavior in an extended gossip session?  Do you have a friend or a loved one that does things you don’t approve of, and you actually hope that they fail at something as a result so they “learn a lesson?”  That’s actually a common one, and it’s a pretty toxic dynamic in relationships - that type of judgmentalism.  So, take a day, think about this one - when do you find yourself judging others unnecessarily?  Ask yourself: If it’s not affecting YOU, then why are you focusing on this?

Two - when you catch yourself in this kind of behavior, put the brakes on with some kind of intervention.  It could be a silent exercise - I’ve been doing this a lot myself recently.  I’ll note judgmentalism or elitism creeping in on an assessment of a person, and then I say to myself in my head - wow, I’m being super judgy right now.  If you’re in a conversation and the direction turns in the way of commiseration over being judgmental of someone or something, redirect and change the topic.

Three - ask yourself, when you get into the trap of being judgmental, ask yourself this one: what about me is causing me to pass judgment in this way?  Usually, many things we do are simply a form of projection.  So, when we pass judgment, it’s often because of our own insecurities or fears.  Ask yourself: what am I scared of here?  What about this bothers me…about me?  Is this some kind of trigger for me?

Four - learn to redirect your energy to keeping your side of the street clean, to use another 12 step phrase.  I like that one.  What it means is to focus on what you can control, and that is your own actions.  If there’s a behavior that someone else is displaying that’s bothering you, well, then focus your energy on doing the opposite in your own life.  It’s not your job to go around judging everyone and causing stress for yourself.  That’s just silly.  What bothers you?  Why?  OK, do the opposite then.  If you see people being wasteful and it bothers you, live in thrift.  If you see people ranting online about politics and it bothers you, pump out some positive content.  If you see people not focusing on their health, you go out and focus on your own.  It’s amazing how much less energy simply minding our own business takes, just saying.

Again, don’t get down on yourself if you’ve been a super judgmental person in your past.  Hey, I know have qualified as the worst of the elitists at certain points in my life, and I can honestly say now that stemmed out of my own gross insecurities and desire to be noticed or to feel special.  That’s a pretty natural human impulse.  But, going forward, learning from your experiences, you’ll see that being judgmental really serves no one.  Work on yourself first.  That’s where your energy is always best spent.